Johnson finished at 1-over 289, matching a Masters record last set in 1956 for highest winning score. And it ended a streak of the winner coming out of the final group at Augusta National ever year since 1991.It's about time Tiger let a white guy win something. All the oppression our forefathers endured makes this victory all the more sweeter. Wait, I think I have that backwards.
British football fans (they mean soccer, silly Brits) have been in a stand-off with Rome police after Manchester United tied with AS Roma. The Guardian writes:On Tuesday United warned the 6,000 fans travelling to the game to take care. A message posted on the club's website told supporters to avoid certain areas of the city and not to use the city's metro because of a "real danger of being attacked by the 'Ultra' fans of AS Roma"Who the fuck holds a sporting competition and allows a tie? Granted it's Commie Kickball, but when the fans are bigger badasses than the athletes, you have a problem. Brad Pitt and I tied for sexiest man of alive. But instead of fighting, we held a pose-off. I threatened to kidnap Shiloh if he didn't concede victory. I won.
Pat Summit and the Lady Volunteers were able to win the WNCAA National Championship, their first in 9 seasons. CNNSI writes:The Lady Vols wanted this title -- badly. Almost from the outset, they outworked the young Scarlet Knights (27-9), who waited until the final game of an improbable tournament run to show their inexperience.You may or may not know this but during halftime, Coach Summit promised the ladies a trip to Disneyland with me. The dejected faces looked up to Summit and huddled together. "There's no way we lose this one guys. Do it for coach. Do it for Sean." But then I remembered they're all lesbians, and I look sort of feminine. Damn them.
Today marked Opening Day for the rest of the MLB. And who couldn't be more excited about the start of the season? I mean each team only plays a paltry 161 more games. For this brief moment, every fan in the league believes their team has a legitimate shot at the pennant. Kind of like all the beautiful women I have to turn down when I go out to the bars. I can't help it, ladies. I only have so much sexiness to go around.
Kerry Wood, at one time believed to be the Cubs future Ace starter, will not be ready for opening day for the second straight season. CBS Sportsline writes:What they failed to mention is that the hot tub was full of Playboy Playmates tugging at his shorts and urging him to stay in, "for just a few more minutes." Oh wait, that was me. Nevermind.Earlier this spring, he slipped getting out of a hot tub, hurting his ribs. That set him back. Then a triceps injury slowed him down and now a sore shoulder is likely to land him on the disabled list for the 11th time in his major league career.
Pakistan's cricket coach, Bob Woolmer, was found dead on March 18th in a Jamaican hotel. As is expected, Jamaican detectives are the best in the world. TimesOnlineUK writes:Bob Woolmer’s killer used some sort of fabric — possibly a hotel towel — to strangle him, police believe. Such a method would explain why no marks were found on his neck.Who knew cricket was a sport? And who knew you could use a hot towel to kill someone? I had only used them to whip preppies in the locker room. It's like a whole new world has opened up for me. Kind of like the time my parents told me I was adopted. Except instead of crying like a bitch, I can use this information for good.
I never thought I'd see the day where Venezuela's justice system is better than the United States. ESPN writes:Former Major League Baseball pitcher Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch.Free agent? I think not. Urbina is going to be the best pitcher in the Caracas Prison League. I can see it now. The Warden makes a trip out to the mound in the bottom of the ninth inning. "Throw the gas. Not gasoline. Well, you know what I mean," he'll say. Except it'll be in Spanish, and I can't speak it since I failed in high school.
The 33-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them.
Since the Las Vegas NBA All-Star weekend, Jeff Fisher has been doing his part to make sure Adam "Pacman" Jones is brought to justice. ABC News says:Titans coach Jeff Fisher said Tuesday he has not spoken with Jones since just after Las Vegas incident Vegas "when we helped facilitate the first meeting with police."And by facilitate he means, "I acknowledge that Pacman may or may not be a real person. I mean he is a video game. So yes, he probably might exist."
This is like when I was pulled over with a bong in my lap. The police officer told me he was "very disappointed" in my conduct. I told him that I was in favor of the state legislation to "crack down on those stoners." Then I realized the cop was my lamp, and I had imagined the whole thing.Fisher, for one, fully supports a stricter NFL conduct policy.
"Our organization is very much in favor of the commissioner's involvement," he said. "We're very much in tune with him. He has a plan and is determined, as are all of us, to minimize, if not eliminate this."
Andy Roddick was injured in his first set against Andy Murray in the Sony Ericsson Open today. One thing's for sure, don't name your son "Andy" unless you want him playing tennis and acting like a bitch. ESPN says:I remember in 'Nam when I got my leg blown off. They tried to give me a medical leave, but I told my sergeant to send me back. I returned with a broomstick strapped to my stump, and I killed like 15 VC. Per day. Of course I didn't have the luxury of dating Maria Sharapova, but I bled red, white, and blue.Roddick took a medical timeout at 4-3 and left the court and then played six more points. On the final rally, he hit a half-volley at the net, and when Murray pulled a backhand crosscourt for a winner, Roddick didn't try for the ball.
Roddick then conceded by shaking hands with Murray.
NBC has extended its contract with the NHL to air Hockey games on Sundays. Fox Sports says:"In under two seasons, NBC has significantly elevated NHL broadcast coverage in the U.S.," commissioner Gary Bettman said in a statement. "We're delighted to have extended our partnership and look forward to next season's scheduled innovation, aimed at delivering the best possible action to hockey fans."Is it really that hard to elevate broadcast coverage in America? Last time I checked, going from 1 viewer to 3 isn't statistically significant.
Yesterday at the Sony Ericsson Open, Serena Williams was heckled by a fan. Well, I guess he's not really fan now is he? Fox Sports says:"The guy said, 'Hit the net like any Negro would.' I was shocked," Williams said. "I couldn't believe it. I had to do a double take. I think I hit a double fault on that point."I think Serena was just surprised he said Negro. He has got to be the most half-assed racist ever. In his defense, I'm sure he was probably a 73 year old Alzheimer's patient and was just as surprised as any that Negroes played tennis.
"This is really going to change the face of MMA," Lorenzo Fertitta said. "Literally creating a sport that could be as big around the world as soccer."I think this is the only time you can compare MMA with that. In fact, the reason I began watching it is because of all the pent up anger I had for the pussies that play soccer.
