Sore Wood

Kerry Wood, at one time believed to be the Cubs future Ace starter, will not be ready for opening day for the second straight season. CBS Sportsline writes:

Earlier this spring, he slipped getting out of a hot tub, hurting his ribs. That set him back. Then a triceps injury slowed him down and now a sore shoulder is likely to land him on the disabled list for the 11th time in his major league career.

What they failed to mention is that the hot tub was full of Playboy Playmates tugging at his shorts and urging him to stay in, "for just a few more minutes." Oh wait, that was me. Nevermind.

At this point, Wood's had more surgeries than Michael Jackson. I think the Cubs would be better off by dressing up a pitching machine with a Kerry Wood jersey. It'd be cheaper to maintain and probably a better fielder.

Get 'Em While They're Hot

Pakistan's cricket coach, Bob Woolmer, was found dead on March 18th in a Jamaican hotel. As is expected, Jamaican detectives are the best in the world. TimesOnlineUK writes:

Bob Woolmer’s killer used some sort of fabric — possibly a hotel towel — to strangle him, police believe. Such a method would explain why no marks were found on his neck.

Who knew cricket was a sport? And who knew you could use a hot towel to kill someone? I had only used them to whip preppies in the locker room. It's like a whole new world has opened up for me. Kind of like the time my parents told me I was adopted. Except instead of crying like a bitch, I can use this information for good.

Putting the Urban in Urbina.

I never thought I'd see the day where Venezuela's justice system is better than the United States. ESPN writes:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch.

The 33-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them.

Free agent? I think not. Urbina is going to be the best pitcher in the Caracas Prison League. I can see it now. The Warden makes a trip out to the mound in the bottom of the ninth inning. "Throw the gas. Not gasoline. Well, you know what I mean," he'll say. Except it'll be in Spanish, and I can't speak it since I failed in high school.

And in other news, OJ Simpson's golf swing is as good as ever.

Jeff Fisher is Angry

Since the Las Vegas NBA All-Star weekend, Jeff Fisher has been doing his part to make sure Adam "Pacman" Jones is brought to justice. ABC News says:

Titans coach Jeff Fisher said Tuesday he has not spoken with Jones since just after Las Vegas incident Vegas "when we helped facilitate the first meeting with police."

And by facilitate he means, "I acknowledge that Pacman may or may not be a real person. I mean he is a video game. So yes, he probably might exist."

Fisher, for one, fully supports a stricter NFL conduct policy.

"Our organization is very much in favor of the commissioner's involvement," he said. "We're very much in tune with him. He has a plan and is determined, as are all of us, to minimize, if not eliminate this."

This is like when I was pulled over with a bong in my lap. The police officer told me he was "very disappointed" in my conduct. I told him that I was in favor of the state legislation to "crack down on those stoners." Then I realized the cop was my lamp, and I had imagined the whole thing.

Andy Roddick is Brave

Andy Roddick was injured in his first set against Andy Murray in the Sony Ericsson Open today. One thing's for sure, don't name your son "Andy" unless you want him playing tennis and acting like a bitch. ESPN says:

Roddick took a medical timeout at 4-3 and left the court and then played six more points. On the final rally, he hit a half-volley at the net, and when Murray pulled a backhand crosscourt for a winner, Roddick didn't try for the ball.

Roddick then conceded by shaking hands with Murray.

I remember in 'Nam when I got my leg blown off. They tried to give me a medical leave, but I told my sergeant to send me back. I returned with a broomstick strapped to my stump, and I killed like 15 VC. Per day. Of course I didn't have the luxury of dating Maria Sharapova, but I bled red, white, and blue.

NBC Extends Contract, Middle Finger to America

NBC has extended its contract with the NHL to air Hockey games on Sundays. Fox Sports says:

"In under two seasons, NBC has significantly elevated NHL broadcast coverage in the U.S.," commissioner Gary Bettman said in a statement. "We're delighted to have extended our partnership and look forward to next season's scheduled innovation, aimed at delivering the best possible action to hockey fans."

Is it really that hard to elevate broadcast coverage in America? Last time I checked, going from 1 viewer to 3 isn't statistically significant.

This is kind of like the time I started the official Scarlett Johansson House of Worship. After converting a few of my friends, we had an increase of 600%. This makes the ScarJo HoWor the fastest growing religion in the west! The real question is, why haven't you joined?

Racial Slurs Slow to Reach Miami

Yesterday at the Sony Ericsson Open, Serena Williams was heckled by a fan. Well, I guess he's not really fan now is he? Fox Sports says:

"The guy said, 'Hit the net like any Negro would.' I was shocked," Williams said. "I couldn't believe it. I had to do a double take. I think I hit a double fault on that point."

I think Serena was just surprised he said Negro. He has got to be the most half-assed racist ever. In his defense, I'm sure he was probably a 73 year old Alzheimer's patient and was just as surprised as any that Negroes played tennis.

This reminds me of the time I wore all red and shouted "Thug life!" while eating at a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle in Compton. I told the waitresses, "Don't worry I'll be tipping unlike all the other customers." Then I was thrown out! I know, I was shocked too.

UFC to buy Pride: Knockouts Ensue

Today, a deal was brokered by Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta, owners of UFC, to purchase the Japanese-based Pride Fighting Championships for an estimated $70 million. ESPN says:

"This is really going to change the face of MMA," Lorenzo Fertitta said. "Literally creating a sport that could be as big around the world as soccer."

I think this is the only time you can compare MMA with that. In fact, the reason I began watching it is because of all the pent up anger I had for the pussies that play soccer.

This means that Fedor Emelianenko will be fair game. Emelianenko sports a 26-1 record (6 TKOs and 12 submissions). The one loss? Stopped by the ref because of a cut. When reached for comment, UFC heavyweights shat their pants.

I once trained to become a fighter. Then I realized that I would be fighting another opponent my age and size, not my 10 year old sister who I'd been sparring against.

Fedor Angry!

Coach Dykes Out: Women's Basketball Still Boring.

LSU women's basketball makes the Final Four, and you'd expect more attention to the sport. Pokey Chatman, LSU's coach, was fired earlier this month for hooking up with her players. Is anyone even slightly surprised this happened? I half-expected all after game speeches to be, "Great game tonight girls. We really fought back hard to win this one. Stacey, did you bring the strap-on this time?"

How many players have I fucked? This many!

I think it'd probably come as less of a surprise if Coach K had done the same thing. That's probably why he doesn't recruit black players any more. After Shelden Williams, he had to give his glory-hole a rest. Only Greg Paulus' tender kisses can put that first round loss at ease.

Women's sports will never get widespread attention for a simple reason; they should be cooking and cleaning! But seriously, the only two sports that even get a little recognition are tennis and golf. Who doesn't love hearing Maria Sharapova's grunts or seeing Michelle Wie handle a shaft? I blame my fetish of underage Asian girls. Look, we gave you the right to vote, that should cover us for like 200 years.

If you want me to watch women's college basketball, make the baskets shorter, set shots illegal, and each school send a cheerleader to my house. She should be double-jointed without a gag reflex.

Joakim Noah: Future D-League Superstar!

Even objective Gator fans agree, Joakim Noah is a fag. Most would blame it on his French heritage, but even Tony Parker banged Eva Longoria, so there must be much more to it than that.

Florida may very well win back-to-back championships, but that doesn't discount the fact that Noah fucked up royally. Last year, he practically had to surgically remove Nantz and Packer's lips from his cock, which now has surreptitiously transferred to Greg Oden's much larger, blacker member.

The hype machine was in full effect, and many people were buying into it. Between Glen "Fat Baby" Davis and Joakim "Face of a Donkey's Ass" Noah, you'd think we were witnessing the reincarnation of Bird/Magic. Fortunately for us, Noah decided to return for another year to prove his mediocrity once and for all. I just want to know who was advising Noah in his decision making. Probably the same people who told Britney Spears that shaving her head would be a great tribute to all those Marines risking their lives in Iraq.


The face Noah makes while fisting his boyfriend.
Noah would have without a doubt been a Top 10, if not Top 5 lottery pick had he come out last year. Don't believe me? Two words: Tyrus Thomas. Drafted fourth overall, Thomas is putting up an impressive 4.6/3.4 a game for the Bulls. When reached for comment, Thomas replied, "Huh? I play basketball? I couldn't hear you over my Bentley surround sound."

Whether Noah comes out this year or next, one thing is for certain; NBA scouts will recognize him as a fraud. Oh wait, is Isiah Thomas still GM? Fuck. Nevermind.

Joakim Noah: One bad decision after another.