Big Johnson

Zach Johnson won the Masters yesterday. Fox Sports writes:

Johnson finished at 1-over 289, matching a Masters record last set in 1956 for highest winning score. And it ended a streak of the winner coming out of the final group at Augusta National ever year since 1991.

It's about time Tiger let a white guy win something. All the oppression our forefathers endured makes this victory all the more sweeter. Wait, I think I have that backwards.

British football fans (they mean soccer, silly Brits) have been in a stand-off with Rome police after Manchester United tied with AS Roma. The Guardian writes:

On Tuesday United warned the 6,000 fans travelling to the game to take care. A message posted on the club's website told supporters to avoid certain areas of the city and not to use the city's metro because of a "real danger of being attacked by the 'Ultra' fans of AS Roma"

Who the fuck holds a sporting competition and allows a tie? Granted it's Commie Kickball, but when the fans are bigger badasses than the athletes, you have a problem. Brad Pitt and I tied for sexiest man of alive. But instead of fighting, we held a pose-off. I threatened to kidnap Shiloh if he didn't concede victory. I won.

No Volunteers for Me

Pat Summit and the Lady Volunteers were able to win the WNCAA National Championship, their first in 9 seasons. CNNSI writes:

The Lady Vols wanted this title -- badly. Almost from the outset, they outworked the young Scarlet Knights (27-9), who waited until the final game of an improbable tournament run to show their inexperience.

You may or may not know this but during halftime, Coach Summit promised the ladies a trip to Disneyland with me. The dejected faces looked up to Summit and huddled together. "There's no way we lose this one guys. Do it for coach. Do it for Sean." But then I remembered they're all lesbians, and I look sort of feminine. Damn them.

Is it October Yet?

Today marked Opening Day for the rest of the MLB. And who couldn't be more excited about the start of the season? I mean each team only plays a paltry 161 more games. For this brief moment, every fan in the league believes their team has a legitimate shot at the pennant. Kind of like all the beautiful women I have to turn down when I go out to the bars. I can't help it, ladies. I only have so much sexiness to go around.

Sore Wood

Kerry Wood, at one time believed to be the Cubs future Ace starter, will not be ready for opening day for the second straight season. CBS Sportsline writes:

Earlier this spring, he slipped getting out of a hot tub, hurting his ribs. That set him back. Then a triceps injury slowed him down and now a sore shoulder is likely to land him on the disabled list for the 11th time in his major league career.

What they failed to mention is that the hot tub was full of Playboy Playmates tugging at his shorts and urging him to stay in, "for just a few more minutes." Oh wait, that was me. Nevermind.

At this point, Wood's had more surgeries than Michael Jackson. I think the Cubs would be better off by dressing up a pitching machine with a Kerry Wood jersey. It'd be cheaper to maintain and probably a better fielder.

Get 'Em While They're Hot

Pakistan's cricket coach, Bob Woolmer, was found dead on March 18th in a Jamaican hotel. As is expected, Jamaican detectives are the best in the world. TimesOnlineUK writes:

Bob Woolmer’s killer used some sort of fabric — possibly a hotel towel — to strangle him, police believe. Such a method would explain why no marks were found on his neck.

Who knew cricket was a sport? And who knew you could use a hot towel to kill someone? I had only used them to whip preppies in the locker room. It's like a whole new world has opened up for me. Kind of like the time my parents told me I was adopted. Except instead of crying like a bitch, I can use this information for good.

Putting the Urban in Urbina.

I never thought I'd see the day where Venezuela's justice system is better than the United States. ESPN writes:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch.

The 33-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them.

Free agent? I think not. Urbina is going to be the best pitcher in the Caracas Prison League. I can see it now. The Warden makes a trip out to the mound in the bottom of the ninth inning. "Throw the gas. Not gasoline. Well, you know what I mean," he'll say. Except it'll be in Spanish, and I can't speak it since I failed in high school.

And in other news, OJ Simpson's golf swing is as good as ever.